Queer Eye for the Dad Guy

Story ID:	2291
Written by:	Betty (BJ) Roan
Story type:	Family Memories
Writers Conference:	$500 2007 Family Memories Writing Project
Location:	Toledo IL USA
Year:	2007
Person:	Christopher

Chris is smart, self-confident, and modest. He would never blow his own horn, therefore he is likable. Everyone likes him. I even like him and I’m his mother-in-law. He is a talented musician, singer, comedian, and impersonator of everyone, including family and friends. No one is safe from his kindhearted ridicule, yet even the taunted laugh at his mimicry.

He will get up in the night with the kids, fix a bottle, pass out drinks of apple juice, brush teeth, and change a diaper better than most mothers I know. He kisses boo boos, reads bedtime stories, and listens to prayers. He understands how to buy groceries and isn’t limited to the barbecue grill, he can actually cook in a kitchen. He mows the lawn, cleans out the garage and the cars, will take his daughter to birthday parties, sometimes even drop the kids off at school, or pick them up. He even takes one to the doctor occasionally. He doesn't mind when his wife goes shopping and never complains when she wants to do things with her girlfriends. He takes her on dates when they are lucky enough to have a sitter for their four children. He helps with the laundry and irons his own clothes. All of the above comes with a smile and an “I love you” at no extra charge.

I could go on, but you get the idea and I don’t want to give him the big head. Sounds perfect doesn’t he? He is…well, almost.

Chris was born on February 22, 1969 in Lewiston, Montana. His family relocated to Southern Illinois, where he grew up. He graduated from Eastern Illinois University with two degrees, Manufacturing Technology and Economics. Chris’s engineering career, or fate, took him to Texas, where he met his future wife and my daughter, Tami.

Over the years, my daughter and I have searched for defects. Chris seems perfect, yet he is human, which means faults must lurk somewhere beneath that flawless exterior. When we learned of his penchant for serving chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla with blackberry cobbler, we rejoiced in this tiny revelation.

Before I continue, there is one other pertinent piece of information; Chris is oblivious to the concept of ‘keeping up with the Joneses’. The first car he bought for himself after he married Tami was a 1990 Chevrolet Caprice. It was white with a blue roof, previously owned by the Dallas Police Department. When that car gave out, he found a 1994 Chevrolet Caprice, with police package, on Ebay for $1700.00. That was five years ago and he’s still driving it, which brings us to this past weekend.

Tami and Company came to visit me in the nice, reliable van Chris gave her for Christmas two years ago. The plan was for Chris to drive up Friday after work in the Caprice. Since summer heat had arrived, I wondered how he would survive the long drive without air conditioning.

“He built an air conditioner,” I was told.

Confused, I asked my daughter, “How do you build an air conditioner?”

Shaking her head while rolling her eyes, Tami replied, “I have no idea. You’ll have to ask Chris, he’s the Engineer.”

I was inside when Chris arrived to the high pitched screams of children happy to see their Dad. Chris was busy catching up on kid hugs, so I didn’t ask about the mysterious a/c unit until the following day.

Over coffee, I broached the subject of his homemade air conditioner. Chris’s face lit up like a child’s on Christmas morning. “Want to see?”

“Sure,” I said reaching for my trusty camera. Somehow I knew this invention should be immortalized.

Without expectations of grandeur, I was still surprised at the simplicity of this particular invention. The whole thing was comprised of items readily found in their garage: an old cooler, four inch PVC pipe, and duct tape. The only expense was a bag of ice purchased from the local grocery store.

Waiting for the photo session to end, Chris began to explain how the odd contraption worked. “First I cut a piece of PVC pipe, and then cut holes in both ends of the cooler. I used duct tape to connect one end of the pipe to the cooler, and stuck the other end of the pipe out the passenger window.”

“So the window is open?”

“Half-way,” Chris pointed out. Walking to the driver’s side of the car, he continued his explanation. “As you drive down the road, the air comes in through the PVC pipe at about 70 MPH, blows across the ice and out through this hole, cooling the driver. It got so cold; I had to turn the heater on a couple of times.”

Amazed, I snapped a few more pictures. There wasn’t anything perfect about this ingenious invention, yet it seemed to work perfectly.

“I showed it to a friend of mine from work,” Chris revealed.

I had to ask, “And what did he think?”

“All he wanted to know was whether or not my daughter was old enough to be embarrassed by me yet.”

Laughing, I followed Chris into the house, where another imperfection was to be uncovered. Tami met him at the door, “Please tell me you didn’t bring a black shirt to wear with navy blue shorts.”

Now we have three prime examples of Chris’s imperfection: chocolate ice cream and blackberry cobbler, a beater car with a cooler for an air conditioner, and no fashion sense.

After Chris, Tami, and kids were gone and the house was quiet again, I sat down to think about the day. I was dismayed to discover perfection within Chris’s imperfection. He drives a beater car, and instead of buying a new air condition he invented one, thereby saving more money for college funds and retirement. See, he is perfect.

Perfect husband, perfect father, perfect son-in-law, isn’t there anything imperfect about this man? Wait! What about that chocolate ice cream with blackberry cobbler and the black shirt with blue shorts? If that show is still on the air, I'm sending him to those Queer Eye guys for help. In the meantime...Happy Father’s Day, Chris!