Until We Eat Again

UNTIL WE EAT AGAIN

Like many women, I have always carried a little extra poundage on my frame, and have tried dieting, exercise, and even psychological mind games in my unsuccessful quest for thinness. I blame a little on my genes and a lot on my lack of will power, but admittedly, my sweet tooth is the culprit.

Orson Wells once said, "Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch." I can relate to that. I know the location of every restaurant within a twenty-mile radius and can find my way across town using ice cream parlors the way a navigator uses stars. I've heard a rumor of a restaurant on the moon now. Apparently the food is good, but there is no atmosphere.

Knowing that diet and exercise are the key to weight loss and fitness, I decided to go halfway. Forget dieting; I would just exercise. After all, I didn't want to shock my system too much. Besides, the advantage to exercising is that you die healthier. I can burn calories by doing activities that sound physical but actually aren't, such as jumping to conclusions, climbing the walls, and pushing my luck.

A friend wanted me to enroll in a fitness class. "Absolutely not!" I exclaimed. "I tried that once and it didn't work for me."

"Why not?" she asked, looking at me quizzically.

"I stretched, twisted, jumped up and down, and perspired for a half hour" I replied, "and by the time I got those darn leotards on, the class was over!"

I set up an exercise area at home. It didn't work out too well, because I ended up using my "dreadmill" as a place to hang clothes. As for the assorted exercise tapes, I watched them while relaxing on the sofa next to a bowl of potato chips. When I joined an expensive health club, I didn't lose a pound. Apparently you have to go, something I never reckoned on.

I had an idea that dancing would be a fun way to get into shape, so I signed up for swing dancing. Not on purpose -- some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. I was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't need to sign up in the first place. Gracefulness and coordination have never been my strong point. I clunked around feeling like a gorilla in wooden shoes, always a half beat behind the music, and couldn't remember the dance steps from one week to the next. I did not lose a single pound, but I gained knowledge that dancing would never be my livelihood, and I better not quit my day job.

When I saw a weight loss gadget advertised on television, I ordered it before the commercial was even finished. The day it arrived, my excitement alone was enough to wear off a few pounds. I attached this pulley contraption to a doorknob, just as the instruction booklet said, then lay on the carpeted floor with hands clutching the ropes. My feet were firmly ensconced in stirrup-like gadgets, and the idea was to maneuver the ropes to engage the weights. I pulled the arm pulley and my left leg went up. I pulled at the other arm pulley and my right leg went up. Hey, this wasn't so bad. I got a rhythm going, but the ropes became tangled (that un-coordination thing again). I felt like a spider's dinner as I struggled to get out of this web of confusion without hanging myself. So much for the get-thin-fast idea.

Having given up on such strenuous exercise, I reluctantly decided to reduce my intake of food, make healthier choices, and drink more water. It sounds good in theory until I actually attempted it. First I went to a talk on nutrition, and the speaker asked the audience what the four essential food groups were. "Coffee, ice cream, beer and pizza," said one portly gentleman. "No, it's Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate," argued a woman with three chins. Only I knew that the four essential food groups are alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat, according to the ingredients in Irish Coffee.

I learned several things about dieting.
1. If you are what you eat, then avoid nuts.
2. Tuna is not just something to hold the mayonnaise together.
3. If you indulge, you bulge (especially if you are over forty).
4. Rice cakes are bland unless you slather peanut butter on them.
5. I repeat myself when I am hungry. I repeat myself when I am hungry.

Now beginning my sixth decade on earth, I decided to stop worrying about my weight once and for all. Pushing fifty was enough exercise for me.

Until we eat again, may all your diets be seafood ones. See food, and eat it! Opt for a balanced diet -- a cupcake in each hand, and if all else fails, lobby for a chocolate flavored mouthwash.

Maria Harden
© 2005

Story ID:	698
Written by:	Maria Harden (bio, contact, other stories)
Story type:	Musings, Essays and Such
Location:	Winnipeg Manitoba Canada
Year:	2005
Person:	ME