'THERE IS A LIFE OUT THERE'

‘THERE IS LIFE OUT THERE’

I had wanted to be a nurse since the age of five. It was my goal, and I set my course to achieve it. Then in 1969, I graduated from the Grace Hospital School of Nursing, St. John’s, NL with my RN. I was ready to start the career I had wanted all my life. At the time of my graduation nursing was undergoing one of its cyclic shortages and jobs were to be had wherever you chose to go. Our black bands and our caps were new, and our school pins glistened, as we headed into the work force.

Being young and strong, I did my best in any place I worked. Then came marriage to a policeman, leaving Newfoundland and Labrador, and over the years a son and a daughter completed our family, as we spent thirty-plus years in Nova Scotia.

My birthday in 1998 brought me to the fifty-year old mark. The twelve hour shifts, especially the nights, were so difficult then, and not quite as easy to cope with anymore. I was in a constant state of fatigue. My fifty-year-old mark was a ‘watershed’ time. I had to decide what I was going to do, leave while I was keen on my hobbies, dreams and plans, or work until I was just ‘dead wood’ in the system?

After much soul searching, I decided to retire, and move back to my home province of Newfoundland and Labrador, back to a life by the sea. I was leaving my job, but must have had a lingering doubt because I could not leave Nova Scotia without reinstating my licence to practice in Newfoundland. I wanted the door left open.

In June of 2000, I returned home, began life as a Newfoundlander again, enjoying the sea, the boats, fishing, renewing old friendships, and meeting people I had not seen for years.
Life was good.

The magnificent island in the sea had not changed. Known as ‘The Rock’, it is a special place with sunsets and sunrises so glorious my heart aches at the sight. There are miles of wilderness unexplored, and a sense of being close to the land.
For forty-three years I had been a working Mom. During those years my life had been guided by the ebb and flow of hospital routines, and the seasonal concerns of farmers. I had yearned many times for the feel of the salt air, and the shore breezes of home.
Over the years it had become more discomforting to sense the feeling of not being where you felt you should be. Our children had grown, been educated and left for jobs in the Canadian West. It was apparent we needed to change our lives also. My husbands’ family home in Newfoundland was waiting for us until a new home was built. The smell of lilacs and wild roses and the view of the ocean would bring tears to my eyes.

But I missed my work, I missed the routines, I missed the nurses with whom I had worked, and most of all I missed the patients that I always did my best to help. It was a difficult time. I felt torn, unsure, and had a feeling of lost identity. Who was this person? Was I worthy of anything if I was no longer a nurse?

I had to find out who I was and if this was what I wanted. Sleepless nights, and silent days filled with angst overpowered me. I enjoyed the summer and the boats, and the magnificent autumn in that first year of retirement, 2000. Winter came and I enjoyed a skidoo for the first time. Traveling through the woods on the fluffy snow, seeing the beauty I had longed for, going for outdoor ‘boil ups’ with friends, a trip to Calgary to visit our grandchild, and a vacation in the Caribbean. It was the first time I had gone on a vacation for years without booking ‘time off’. But the ‘Nurse’ in me was tugging harder all the time.
Spring soon came, my first spring back home. I was working outside one sunny day, pruning the rose bushes, and a dear old lilac tree. I snipped a few old limbs, and I caught the scent of the lilac. Memories long locked in my mind came tumbling forth. The scent of the Lilac held the key to that Memory Box. I remembered many vacations with our children when we visited my husbands’ parents. I thought I had finally accepted ‘retirement’.
With the passing of time the feeling of missing my work lessened. I was writing, doing photography, a new house was being built, and most of all I met people who never ever knew I was a nurse, and could not have cared less. I began to settle into a different life, the life I yearned for on those evenings when I would be driving home from work and see people walking their dogs, or just out for a stroll, while my legs had walked miles that day and a walk was the last thing I wanted to do. I wondered what life was like outside the corridors of a hospital and illness. Now I was slowly discovering that maybe there was a life out there!

One day I noticed a posting for a job. It was impossible to stop myself from inquiring
about the position, which I promptly did! Then driving home, I had to go past the wharf where our boat was secured. It was a Friday afternoon, a day with bright sunlight and calm water. People were readying their boats and leaving for the weekend. I realized just in time, I was once again sabotaging myself. Maybe I could get the job, but it occurred to me that my friends would be out boating while I walked hospital corridors.

It was then, and only then, a year after working my last day as a nurse, that I accepted the fact that I had loved my wonderful career, but it was time to let it go.
There are so many things I loved doing, so many things to write about, so many photographic opportunities to capture, and best of all a new house and grandchild to
enjoy.

The next day I wrapped a ribbon around my freshly laundered uniforms and passed them to a nurse at our hospital. She mistook me for a sales person, but I explained that I had finally let it go. I am proud of my career, but I was moving on after a difficult emotional journey.

I had finally accepted ‘retirement’.

‘Do No Harm’ is the motto we learned as student nurses, and it was the motto by which I practiced the art of nursing, and one I still try to maintain. In my heart I will always be a ‘Nurse’.

But I have moved on, realizing that ‘Yes, there is a life out there!’

Bonnie Jarvis-Lowe, RN. Rtd.

Story ID:	576
Written by:	Bonnie Jarvis-Lowe (bio, link, contact, other stories)
Organization:	Retired RN/Freelance Writer and Photographer
Story type:	Biography
Location:	Clarenville Newfoundland and Labrador Canada
Year:	2000
Person:	Myself