LONG DISTANCE FROM DAD

LONG DISTANCE FROM DAD
(With apologies to Bob Newhart)

Hello.
(Pause)

Yes, this is Dick.
(Pause)

DAD, I haven’t heard from you in a long time. A long, long time.
(Pause)

Well yes, I’ve heard about the twinkling of an eye thing, but down here it’s been 50 years.
How are things up there. How’s Mom, and Gram and Gramps, and aunt Bea?
(Pause)

That’s great. How about all of our dogs, did they make it?
(Pause)

All but Cocoa? She was kind of a nasty. Serves her right.
Hey, I’ll bet you can’t guess where I am right now.
(Pause)

No, I’m in my car doing 90 on my way to Milwaukee.
(Pause)

No, I don’t have a telephone line attached. You don’t need lines any more. We have cell phones and can talk to anyone in the world through satellites. Oops, just went through a dead zone. I said, we can talk to anyone in the world through satellites. If I have an accident my car phone will also call the police and tell them exactly where I am and that I need help. Things have really changed since 1957.
(Pause)

Yes I know you could do 110 in the Desoto. They don’t like that now.
(Pause)

Ya ya, it was a great car. But let me tell you what else this car has. I can look out my windshield and see my speed. Right there in the glass. It’s called “heads up display.”
(Pause)

Well yes, I guess I could tilt my head down and see the speed on the dash board. But, that’s not the point. I don’t have to. It’s right there on ----
(Pause)

I’m sure it cost little or nothing, Dad. ---- Something else, I have a radar thing to tell me if there is any one right behind me without turning my head.
(Pause)

Your not impressed?
(Pause)

Well yes, it has mirrors that look behind, but they cant see ------ Well anyway, it’s one fine car.
(Pause)

No, It cost a little more then $2000, Dad
(Pause)

I know the Desoto only cost you $1600 new in 1946. -----
Speaking of cost, I just filled up the gas tank and that set me back $50.00.
(Pause)

No, no, I’m not driving a tanker truck.
(Pause)

Yes, I’m quite sure you could fill up the Desoto for $5.00. --------------
What’s it like up there, Dad?
(Pause)

No public transportation?
(Pause)

Oh, if you want to go somewhere you have to walk or fly.
How are your living accommodations? I suppose you have central air conditioning and heated floors, and a lot of natural lighting.

I know you never needed air conditioning on earth, but I thought.-- you know today -- everybody ----
(Pause)

I see, with a constant cool breeze off the firmament, that probably does take care of it. How about food. Are you eating a lot of manna?
(Pause)

That was a joke, Dad, but I’m glad your getting all of the ambrosia you want.
Down here we eat a lot of pizza, tacos, and something they call a Happy Meal. You can pick them up at the drive thru and ------
(Pause)

No, I’m sure it can’t hold a candle to Moms roast beef, home made noodles, and graham cracker pie. But it is quicker and there are no dirty dishes for the dish washer.
(Pause)

No, we can’t afford to have a cleaning lady or cook or guy who does our dishes. A dish washer is a machine --- that washes and dries the dishes.
(Pause)

Fast? Well, not really that fast. Takes about 1 ½ hours to do them.
(Pause)

Yes, I’m sure if we all pitched in to help, we could get them done in twenty minutes by hand.
Dad, why after all these years, are you calling me?
(Pause)

Oh, your only allowed one call to earth and you didn’t want to waste it. Well, you could have called any body. I’m certainly honored.
(Pause)

I see, all your good friends have already died and are up there. -- Well, at least I rank above Chuck Ericksen.
(Pause)

No Dad, he’s still alive.
(Pause)

Yes, I’ll apologize to him for you not calling him.
I’ll let you go now, Dad, this call must be costing you a fortune.
(Pause)

Oh, you reversed the charges. -----
Well, so long. Dad, and tell the Big Guy hello for me.
(Pause)

Yes Dad, I know I can tell him myself. I’ll do that.
Goodbye.

Story ID:	4259
Written by:	Dick Dunlap (bio, contact, other stories)
Story type:	Fiction
Location:	Roscoe IL USA
Year:	2008