An Impure Fantasy

An Impure Fantasy

Once upon a time in a far off country, there was a Papa Bear and a Momma Bear. The bear, formerly known as Baby Bear, had grown and gone on to work at a hedge fund deep in the woods. Papa and Momma lived comfortably in Castle Den, their historic home in Gumshoeville, a blue collar bear neighborhood. Those inhabiting nearby dens loved them. Papa was just months from retirement as a honey taster with Honeydew Corporation. He had worked hard his whole life but had never felt comfortable because of mortgage payments and tax raises that always seemed to increase more than his meager wages and bear bennies.

Momma and Papa decided to retire in Mexico. They had learned that the country was bear friendly, particularly up in the cool mountains, and that costs were reasonable. And so The Bears sought out a retirement specialist, the Sly Old Fox. Fox came to the house one night, under cover of darkness, and sat down with the Bears to discuss their plans that were only in the cub stage.

“You know, Bears, my inside information is that the real estate market will take a dive in a few years. That doesn’t bode well for your plans for Mexico. Your equity in Bear Castle Den is going to be reduced dramatically and that scenario could affect your retirement dreams. Being the Sly Old Fox that I am, I have a serious suggestion for you. Because you have been at the mercy of banks and other unscrupulous lenders your entire lives, you may find my proposal amusing. On the other hand, your ‘responsible side’ might find it downright offensive. In any event, here it is”:

“People have called me, the Fox, a predator but I’m a piker compared with the banks today. These guys are throwing money at their clients. And why? Because they have built interest escalation clauses into their supposed ‘give away mortgages’. Interest rates will soar in just a few years, balloon payments will be incorporated in many of their loan documents and guess what? Poor working folks like yourselves are gonna be unable to keep up with their mortgage payments. Foreclosures with attendant lawyers’ fees, will be rampant, for certain. It’s all quite predictable but the banks and real estate lawyers, out of incredible greed, are ignoring it completely. It borders, even to a Sly Old Fox, on the criminal. Instead of being victimized by this sophisticated scam, however, you’ve got to be proactive. Yeah, that’s the term, ‘proactive’, so hear me out.”

“Jack up the value of your home however you can. Paint it, put in new light fixtures and otherwise clean it up…on the cheap. Then find yourselves a friendly mortgage broker to appraise it. The broker will be more than giddy, in today’s ‘go go’ market, to give you a high appraisal. After all, his own broker’s commission will be based on the value of the loan to be given, right? Then take out a loan as high as possible on Castle Den, with the assistance of your good broker, no matter what the outrageous terms might be. They’ll probably suggest starting off at a mere one percent, just to lasso you bears in. But the fact of the matter is, you will be doing your best Little Red Riding Hood imitation and lassoing them instead. So listen a while longer to what this Old Fox has for you….

With the loan in hand, put the Castle Den up for sale at a price even higher than the broker’s appraisal. It won’t sell because the broker was way high to begin with. You have to give the impression anyway that you believe in the possibility of a sale that would pay off your indebtedness. But, of course, there will be no sale, no matter how much advertising is done, no matter how many showings you have and no matter who the real estate agent may be. In this cautious buyer’s market, no fool will bite; not even on this historic Den. Now comes the interesting part:

Buy your dream den in Mexico. Take all of the equity that you bled out of Castle Den and spend it on a hacienda-style den befitting all your labors over the past 45 years. Get one with a swimming pool and a casita den for visits by Baby Bear, when he can drag himself away from the hedge fund. Make the mortgage payments on Castle Den to demonstrate your good faith efforts at a sale until the first interest rate adjustment is implemented by the new mortgage company. Then you call the company and tell them that you’re not making another payment. Oh, I can see by the looks on your faces that this will be a radical move for you stand up bears. But think about it real hard for a moment.

The mortgage company will be up to its ears in foreclosures by then and the stock market will surely be for bears only too. They will try every way to make you reinstitute payments. They will forgive back debt and they’ll waive penalties but, importantly, they will not waive the interest increase on your loan or agree to modify it. If you insist that you refuse to pay, they will threaten you incessantly. Their calls will be on the area code for Far Away Land via Vonage so they won’t know that you’re already in Mexico. Your credit rating will be shot, but who cares? You’ll be in Mexico’s cash society! Finally, they will threaten to issue a 1099 for any debt that they may decide to forgive on the loan. You’ll be told that it could be as high as $150,000 and that you will have to claim it as income next April. But “don’t worry, be happy”: a bill is anticipated soon that will stop the banks from issuing those 1099’s and threatening their mortgagees with tax consequences. Your hacienda in Mexico will be mortgage free, your Honeydew Tasting Company pension will be free from attachment by creditors here in Gumshoeville and the same will go for your Social Security payments. How’s ‘bout that for a sweet, sweet treat, bears? Is the Fox Sly or what? Give me a hug. Er,on second thought……….

The Sly Old Fox could see that Momma Bear was fretting as she leaned forward in her middling-size chair. Poppa Bear looked very concerned as he sipped from his great big bowl of porridge. “Look, Fox,” Poppa began. “We’re gonna have to hibernate on this one. There’s a lot of information to be digested here and it’s gonna take a while. The last thing we want is to get caught up in a trap.”

The Fox nodded. He understood the difficulty involved in such a decision. “If you remember back a few years, there was a very strange guy who caused big, big problems. His name was Humpty Dumpty, as I recall. Well, think about it this way. Today’s Humpty Dumpty is the banking industry. Trust me, they are about to take a great fall. You can either profit by the fall or stand mute when it happens and watch your Mexican retirement plans evaporate with the egg white. But this I promise you:

“All the king’s horses and all the king’s men are never gonna work it all out.” With that The Sly Fox rose, his large red ears pressed back against his head and his tail went bushy as he opened the den door to leave. “I’m counting on you two to do what’s right for you. It’s Mexico or Never Never Land.” He winked and closed the door behind him.

Story ID:	3602
Written by:	jim rambo (bio, contact, other stories)
Story type:	Fiction
Location:	Gumshoeville Far Away Land
Year:	2008
Person:	Sly Old Fox.....