Five Alarm Blaze

I’ll be honest, I was reluctant to write this post for several reasons. I mean the incident was not only very embarrassing, but pretty damn painful as well. Even today, if I close my eyes and think about it, I can still feel that intense burning sensation. It also doesn’t help that my girlfriend, Sun, laughs like a hyena every time I bring it up. But, just so she can get another good laugh, here it is.

It was the spring of 2000 and Sun was living in an apartment near where we worked. It was only about a mile away and we often went there for lunch. The weather was warming up and I was doing a lot of jogging and exercising. All that was a good thing, except the fact that I had developed a major case of jock itch. The stuff itched like crazy and it didn’t seem to respond to any of the regular treatments. Sun was concerned and had been badgering me to try a product she used called Melaleuca. For those who don’t know, Melaleuca is an Australian plant extract that people push through a multi-level marketing scheme. Sun swore by this product and used it for just about everything.

So this one day, just as we were about to leave the apartment to go back to work, she convinced me that it was just what I needed. I couldn’t take the itching anymore, so I relented and let her put it on me. What could it hurt, right? It went on with sort of an icy hot sensation, but it wasn’t too bad. As I said, Sun really believed in this product. You couple this with that fact that she was a firm believer in a little tested scientific principle - “if a little bit is good, then a lot must be great”, and it just spells disaster. She started by rubbing on a small amount, but quickly became carried away and in almost no time, the entire contents of the bottle were smeared all over my crotch. Let me repeat that – “the entire bottle”. And I do mean all over. I put my pants back on and we headed back to work.

It was starting to burn pretty badly as we walked back into the office, but I figured it would soon go away. I could not have been more wrong. It might as well have been napalm. For a few minutes, I sat at my desk and tried to concentrate on work and ignore the 5-alarm blaze that was raging in my pants. It was impossible. I was almost whimpering. I looked around at Sun and she could tell I was in trouble. The sweat was literally starting to run down my face and drip onto the keyboard. I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I jumped up and almost ran to the bathroom. This wasn’t a small private bathroom, but a public bathroom for the entire floor. It didn’t matter. I ran in and immediately dropped my pant and put “him” under the cool water from the faucet. Thank God, nobody came in. After about a minute, the burning had subsided enough for me to sit in a stall with some wet paper towels.

Every time the pain would start to go away, I would slide on my pants and immediately the raging inferno would return. After about 20 minutes, I decided to brave it. I quickly pulled on my pants and made a quick dash back to my desk. Sun knew something bad was happening. She asked me if it burned and I think I responded with - “like a fu---- lit match”. She was obviously concerned, but at the same time, she couldn’t stop laughing. She was totally useless – scared, but laughing uncontrollably. I probably would have laughed too had the pain not been so severe. Finally, she was able to control herself enough to cough up her keys. I made a hastened retreat back to her apartment. I literally rode the mile back to her apartment with my pants down. Just imagine if the police had pulled me over.

I spent several hours at her apartment with the poor fellow soaking in cool water. I think I ended up with a second-degree chemical burn. However, I have to admit Sun was right about one thing - the rash definitely went away when several layers of skin peeled off.

Story ID:	36
Written by:	Scott R. Lupo (bio, contact, other stories)
Organization:	OurEcho
Story type:	Story
Location:	Smyrna Georgia USA
Year:	2000
Person:	Scott Lupo