Just One More Cigarette

I’ve been a medium to heavy smoker (almost two packs a day) for twenty-one years now. I started smoking at the young age of fifteen to be “cool” and fit in with my peers. There may be another alternative as well, such as trying everything in my power to upset my mother. I’m not sure why I behaved liked that. I did exactly what she preached day in and day out “not to do”. She didn’t want to see me have to struggle in life as she did. She preached to me about not having sexual intercourse until I was older and becoming pregnant, because raising a child when you’re young, strips away your own childhood (she had her first child when she was sixteen). So what do I do? I get pregnant at sixteen and give birth to my first daughter Autumn. She tells me the consequences of drinking alcohol and what do I do? Party almost every night and drink as much alcohol as I could consume. She also nagged me constantly about finishing High School and getting my diploma. Of course I had to do just the opposite. I quit. What a perfect excuse I used too. I had a small baby at home to care for. Then there’s the cigarette preaching. She would beg me not to smoke, but I still did. It seemed as though everything she asked me not to do, I would do it. Looking back I think if she would have reversed her wants and wishes, it would have taken me a long time to catch on to a perfect little scheme!

So here I am twenty-one years later still smoking these deadly butts. I know their not good for me in the traditional sense, but they do make me feel good. The truth of the matter is that I live and breathe to smoke (although ridiculous, that’s how I feel). I love every aspect of the vile nicotine stick. I love the smell of the nicotine, the taste and smoothness of a “drag” when it rolls off the back of my palette and off the tip of my tongue. Not to mention the perfect fit it has sitting between my pointer and middle fingers. I can come up with a thousand and one excuses for myself when it comes to why I haven’t stopped this nasty habit. Cigarettes make me feel good; they relieve stress; I’m just not ready to quit; I’m not hurting anyone; even people who have never smoked their entire lives still get lung cancer, and the list goes on and on and on. The only difference now is I’m not trying to continue this bad habit just to “spite her”. I am addicted to these tar infested killers and the truth is, I DON’T WANT TO STOP. I know I have to, but I can’t. I would say the very best excuse I use as to why I continue to smoke is this all time beauty; I’ve reversed all the “wrongs” in my life, so if I have one bad habit, who cares. I’m not hurting anyone but myself. That’s such an idiotic statement, that I can barely believe I say it! “I’m not hurting anyone but myself?” I should care that I’m killing myself a little bit more with each passing day and each passing "puff" of the cigarette. Who doesn’t care about their health and is basically signing their death warrant?

I’m not sure what type of message I was trying to send to my mother back in those days with all of the disobedient acts. It’s mind staggering just to think about it. But the woman was right. She once told me, “Stacy, you will do anything in your power just to spite me”. Of course I would argue the fact and disagree, but she hit the nail right on the head. I guess my victory to this display of actions was an aggressive addiction to cigarettes. I preach to my own children now how important it is NOT to smoke and the havoc it wreaks on a person’s body and mind; stating so as I’m still lighting cigarettes every single day. I know the most important thing is to lead by example, and I have definitely not been the type of example for my children to lead by. Actions DO speak louder than words and I’ve definitely fell short in this nicotine battle.

I believe that in order to achieve a goal, you have to want it first. I’ve finally, after years of encouragement from everyone, have decided to take that first step and admit that I am addicted to cigarettes and I need to quit. Actually, I WANT to quit. Finally, after years of excuses and the undying pleasure cigarettes gave to me, I am going to beat this deadly crusade. I know one of the things they say about smokers after they quit is there sensory system slowly goes back to being normal again. The taste of food changes and your smell is extremely heightened again. Was this what gave me the determination and motivation to cease the nicotine fix? I would be lying if I said yes. What ultimately changed my thought process was my children and family. I want to lead a healthy lifestyle and age gracefully. I want to be able to preach to my children about the repercussions of smoking cigarettes and not seem hypocritical when doing so. I want to live. The days of me saying, “just one more cigarette” is long gone.

Story ID:	2718
Written by:	Stacy Lynn Stiles (bio, contact, other stories)
Story type:	Musings, Essays and Such
Location:	Tomah WI USA
Year:	2007
Person:	Me