The difference between lovers and friends

For as far back as I can remember, I thought my aunt Lois was gay. There are many memories of family gatherings that swirl through my mind, mostly holiday parties, where she’d come to town just to pay a friendly visit. She was the aunt I considered “the cool aunt,” and I was always delighted to see her. I noticed that, on occasion, she often brought along her friend, Pat. Though the family never discussed it openly, there was always some confusion, followed closely by assumption, whenever Pat was concerned. I remember thinking it strange, this woman always showing up at our special occasions. Was I to treat her like another relative of mine, another aunt perhaps?

Years passed and soon the mysterious friend, Pat, became known as aunt Pat. In fact, the two of them became an auntie team. The confusion dissipated and seeing them once or twice a year at Thanksgiving or Christmas became tradition. Though, the rumors never faded. There was plenty of speculation that my aunt Lois and my aunt Pat were more than friends. The funny thing is … no one ever bothered to ask them. We all just assumed that since they were two women living together, never married, never raised a family of their own, the inevitable conclusion was clear. They were lovers.

When I finally reached the age of 23, I came out of the closet. This was also the time when I started coming out to family members. I was living in Boston when two close friends of mine and I decided to take a little trip up to Vermont where my aunts lived. Early one morning, I found myself discussing my sexuality and my concerns about telling the rest of the family with my aunt Lois while sipping hot coffee in her sitting room. I expected her to say, “Now you know how I feel.” Instead she said, “I’ve had to deal with quite the opposite.” I was puzzled.

“What do you mean?” I asked. She went on to explain that she and Pat were not lovers in fact, but really close friends. They had known each other since college and were roommates off and on with the agreement that if one of them were to meet someone and wanted to get married, the other would understand. Men came and went just as swiftly as the passing years. They soon got to a point where they both wanted a home of their own, so they decided to buy one together. That was it … that was gist of the “big family scandal.”

I must admit that I was disappointed when she told me. I had been counting on her to be my confidant in all of this, to be my mentor of sorts. Of course, this didn’t change her view of me in the least. She was as progressive, liberal and as loving as she had always been. We went on to discuss the absurdity of the family gossip mill and how the lack of discussion led to such an inference on all of our parts. We had decided that, since the life my aunt had chosen for herself was not the norm, there must be an obvious explanation for it.

As gay people, I think it’s easy to assume or maybe to want to assume that because two women are living together - they must be gay. It’s the same thing when we search to “out” someone in the public eye. We want allies. We want to say, “See, they’re gay too.” We want them on our side. The thing is though, they don’t have to be gay to be understanding, compassionate or supportive. They don’t have to be gay in order to “get” us. It’s like Jodie Foster. People want her to come out so badly. For what? If she’s perfectly happy living her life the way she is, why would we want to impede on that? Furthermore, how do we even know that is what she wants or even who she is? I’ve learned that just because two and two appear to add up to four, it doesn’t always work out that way.

I guess I sympathize with Oprah Winfrey regarding her close friendship with Gayle King.

“I understand why people think we’re gay,” she says. “There isn’t a definition in our culture for this kind of bond between women. So I get why people have to label it — how can you be this close without it being sexual?”

Yes, it’s true. Two women can have the kind of bond that some married couples share and not be lovers. They can be content to just be friends. They can even be soulmates. There’s no written rule, no outline that says you must grow up, get married and have a family. What if the family you have made for yourself comes in the form of a best friend? Does that lessen the bond? Does that lessen the meaning of the relationship?

My aunt’s only complaint is that she’s in the same boat as I am as far as legal rights are concerned. She wants to be able to have a “contract” or “legal document” drafted in which she and Pat could have the same rights as a married couple. But, because they are just friends there isn’t a category that they fit in to. That’s why this whole marriage debate is about more than just legalizing gay marriage. It’s about situations like the one my aunt is in as well. So what if they didn’t exchange “sacred vows” in front of priest. They exchanged something deeper, they made a vow between themselves to love and support each other in the best way they knew how, not as lovers, but as true friends. There’s beauty in a friendship like that. There’s beauty in a friendship like Oprah’s and Gayle’s.

“In a way, our friendship is better than a marriage or a sexual relationship,” says Oprah.

And you know what, I think my aunt Lois would have to agree.

Story ID:	2682
Written by:	Lyndsey Darcangelo (bio, link, contact, other stories)
Story type:	Musings, Essays and Such
Location:	Buffalo NY USA
Year:	2007