Intentional Writer's Block

Today’s not a good day for me. I’ve been trying to write this book “Motherly Love” for quite some time now. It’s been approximately two years since I started it and every time I open the document, I close it just as fast. My stomach is turning and I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. My throat even feels as though it’s closing off. I’m not sure how long this will go on for, but at this rate I should have it done by the time I reach seventy or so. I know it’s not a “writer’s block”, it’s intentional. I guess writing about my past brings back too many painful memories. The guilt is also unbearable. Why do I feel so guilty!? I’m not the one who was at fault! But still, there it lies. Guilt ridden and physically ill, closing the chapters of my life just so I don’t have to relive them once again.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I know it can’t be much worse than what today held for me. No, I’m not in a “low”. I’m not going to speak my psych into creation. I’m getting so fed up with everyone asking me if I’m in a “low” or saying that I’m in a “mania”. I bet half of them don’t even know what the terms mean. What the hell is my problem? I guess I could write some poetry. The poetry helps me voice my feelings, yet I still feel like I’m talking to myself. I need to vent, but not just on paper….A real person to talk to would be great, like my best-friend. Though she has her own problems and I don’t want to bother her with mine. I’m sure she’s heard enough of it over the last twenty years. Although she still tries bless her heart.
I still feel like I’m trying to find myself. Who is Stacy? What does she stand for? What are her goals in life? I know what I want and I know my needs, but I still don’t know who I am; the basics, yes, but not the whole picture. Maybe I’ll find myself tomorrow or maybe something will happen today that will finally nudge me in the right direction. Stranger things have happened! I guess I’ll wait to see when this intentional writer’s block dissipates. I would love to start writing more than just my poetry…Hopefully tomorrow will be a strong day for me….Hopefully.

Story ID:	2356
Written by:	Stacy Lynn Stiles (bio, contact, other stories)
Story type:	Diary/Journal Entry
Location:	Tomah WI USA
Year:	2007
Person:	Stacy L Stiles