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I know when some women read this story,their gonna think I am a very wrong mother. But,I can't help the way I feel. After 28 years I found my birth daughter. On December 12,2006,I had finally found Stephanie. I was so happy and relieved and in shock. She was 4 months old when I gave her up for adoption and I had never forgot her. We talked on the phone and I knew I had to see her. We planned on having a visit after the holidays,because she knew this was very difficult on her adopted parents. On January 12,2007, my husband and I left for Sebring,Florida to meet Stephanie. I was so excited. When we got there I was nervous,but excited at the same time. There had always been a whole in my heart that needed to be filled and now it was full. I felt like this was the fastest week of my life. We decided to build a relationship,but living in different states would make it hard to do. We started out talking on the phone real often. But as time went by our phone calls got further apart. I felt like Stephanie did not have time for me. I never intended to pull her away from her family. I just wanted to be a big part of her life. She told me she thought I still saw her as that 4 month old baby girl. After looking back I know she was right. What really hurt me the most was that she did not want to call me mother. She wanted me to be a second mother and I just could not be that. I think it was because I had 4 other children and had always been mother. This was the worst day in my life in a long time I had found my Stephanie and 4 months later I had lost her again. And this time for good and I was so hurt at first. But after realizing what was going on I had to deal with reality. I know Stephanie was mad at me and very hurt. I just felt like that after 28 years that she could bond with me and let me be her mother. I know she was in the middle of two families. Her adopted parents were not thrilled from the beginning. She had never told them she had been searching for me. It was a complete suprise to them and they were afraid of losing her. I believe she was afraid to hurt them. I just felt like she was ashamed and embarrased by me. I just felt like she should stand up for what she really wanted to do. But now I have to deal with my emotions and deal with how I feel. I will always love her very much. One thing that hurt the most was that she was the one most like me. And that I also lost a grandson in the process. I am getting by one day at a time. It is not easy but I have to move forward. I have a loving family who cares about me a lot. I know there are other mothers out there who have gone through the same situation and are taking life one day at a time. I just hope that one day she can forgive me for feeling how I do.
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